Happy Birthday, Mom            

                                                                               

Yesterday was my mom's birthday.  She died from cancer Jan. 2008.  This was the 1st year that I felt I could actually CELEBRATE her birthday, more than mourn her passing.  I moved some furniture around to where I think I'll like it (rather than how she's always had it.  I moved some boxes out of the middle of the living room.  I picked some of her favorite flowers and took them to her grave.                                                                

       I did some things that we've loved doing together.  I swam 10 laps (only l/2 of her "normal" laps.     but more than I've ever done in a row before.   I went to her favorite beach, little Corona, and walked     my dogs around (ok, she'd never choose to take TJ, but she never  knew TJ).  I thought of the times we  went there when Tracy and I were little.  Watched the waves break and cover the tide pools.                    

          

        I could feel the impact of walking down the steep hill that leads to the beach, remembering carrying the chairs, lunch and towels as we went  up and down what seemed like the world's steepest and longest hill.    It was at the beach where Mom and I wrote in the sand things we'd want on our tombstones (some serious, some rediculous).  It was at the beach where Mom said,  "I never thought I'd say this, but I am thankful that I have not-small-cell lung cancer!"  (as opposed to small cell - which seemed more aggressive and harder to treat).     

        It was at the beach where we celebrated that the chemo and radiation successfully shrank the tumors and now they could do surgery to remove the remaining scar tissue; and the surgeon said there was really nothing to remove - so he wouldn't recommend the surgery, with the painful recovery.  We had lunch at Ruby's on the pier - one of her favorite memories from when she was younger.

           As she got weaker, I pushed her around Catalina, around the WHOLE Island of Balboa (I didn't believe it was actually an island, because on the side opposite of the ferry.  Since I've driven there,  I was convinced it was just called an island, next to PCH).  That was a funny and hard lesson to learn.  But we enjoyed spending time together - walking, looking at boats and remembering earlier days we spent there together.   

           We learned that there are such things as beach wheelchairs.  Caitlin and I had fun racing from the life guard headquarters back to where Mom was sitting.  Then, we had fun pushing mom in the sand, and up to the water's edge, so she could put her feet into the ocean.  I was able to body surf and swim with Caitlin as Mom watched the stuff and watched us showing off.

                                                                                                                                                                       

Yesterday, I didn't stay long (it was way too hot for Luci and TJ), but I remembered the good  times I      was able to have with Mom - as a kid and as her  adult daughter, and later as her caregiver.   It  was the   first time I went to her favorite beach since she's been gone  (I also remembered that the kids refered to   Corona del Mar as "Oma's beach" when they were younger).                                                                      

        Yes, yesterday I was able to celebrate - things Mom loved, things we've enjoyed together - and        things I've come to love since she's been gone.  Today, I am sure that she would figure out why this is      now leaving white lines in between the lines - and she'd help me continue to clean and organize her         (now my) house.  I'm sure she could help me figure out a lot of things - especially finances and taxes.     

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!  Alex graduated from High School.  Ryan's working as a life guard  this     summer.  Caitlin is going into 5th grade - her last year as an elementary student.   Tracy's working  part   time as a nurse at Disneyland.  We moved to a new office and I switched to a different kind of                  caseload.  I'm learning new things daily.  Oh, by the way, SC is out of Bowl Games, again... and they      changed coaches, again...                                                                                                                              

                                                     As Cailin taught use,  ILY!  Robbie  : )                                                   

They say "time heals all wounds". But, I think time can also lead to infection.
I never did find the missing "blog" entries from 2008-09... but days after I wrote that last one, my mom passed away.

Being able to go with her through the journey of cancer was one of the best and hardest things I've ever done. I was so dedicated, so present... so sure that what we were doing was killing the cancer and saving her life.

Having her home on hospice was surreal. After seeing Grandma die a few years earlier, I swore I never wanted to witness the death of another person again. When mom was doing so well, I started to wonder if maybe I made some wrong call... maybe we should have had a feeding tube or some kind of nutrition... she was doing so well, yet dying... that's just such a hard concept for me to grasp.

A day has not passed since then when I haven't wondered if there was more that I could have or should have done... if there was more I should have done in the beginning - or more I could have done to treat the pain - or ... or... or...

I know she'd be sad and/or ticked to see how depressed I get at times.
I try to let that motivate me to "get back to work", to take care of the estate kinds of things... but that hasn't worked.
I try to use logic - but that doesn't get me through it...

It's hard to say that it's been more than 2 years and I am still quite immobilized a majority of the time.

This week, however, a new crisis has come to light.
Will this help me pull my head out of the sand? Or just serve as a diversion?
Will this help me get involved with people I love? Or be another reason to withdraw?

It is taking some very intentional effort to sort through the behaviors, thoughts and feelings of those around me... I'm using tools from counseling, education, recovery programs to be able to get through the days, and hours, and moments...

I am incredibly grateful for God's grace!
I am incredibly grateful for the wide array of people He has led in and out of my life over the years. Teachers, friends, pastors, counselors, family, colleagues, ministry partners, even some of my "enemies" have taught me lessons I needed to learn when I was ready to learn them.
Sometimes, though, I feel like I just need a hug
and the chance to just sit next to someone who's safe
some times that's more valuable than all of the therapeutic interventions in the world.