They say "time heals all wounds". But, I think time can also lead to infection.
I never did find the missing "blog" entries from 2008-09... but days after I wrote that last one, my mom passed away.

Being able to go with her through the journey of cancer was one of the best and hardest things I've ever done. I was so dedicated, so present... so sure that what we were doing was killing the cancer and saving her life.

Having her home on hospice was surreal. After seeing Grandma die a few years earlier, I swore I never wanted to witness the death of another person again. When mom was doing so well, I started to wonder if maybe I made some wrong call... maybe we should have had a feeding tube or some kind of nutrition... she was doing so well, yet dying... that's just such a hard concept for me to grasp.

A day has not passed since then when I haven't wondered if there was more that I could have or should have done... if there was more I should have done in the beginning - or more I could have done to treat the pain - or ... or... or...

I know she'd be sad and/or ticked to see how depressed I get at times.
I try to let that motivate me to "get back to work", to take care of the estate kinds of things... but that hasn't worked.
I try to use logic - but that doesn't get me through it...

It's hard to say that it's been more than 2 years and I am still quite immobilized a majority of the time.

This week, however, a new crisis has come to light.
Will this help me pull my head out of the sand? Or just serve as a diversion?
Will this help me get involved with people I love? Or be another reason to withdraw?

It is taking some very intentional effort to sort through the behaviors, thoughts and feelings of those around me... I'm using tools from counseling, education, recovery programs to be able to get through the days, and hours, and moments...

I am incredibly grateful for God's grace!
I am incredibly grateful for the wide array of people He has led in and out of my life over the years. Teachers, friends, pastors, counselors, family, colleagues, ministry partners, even some of my "enemies" have taught me lessons I needed to learn when I was ready to learn them.
Sometimes, though, I feel like I just need a hug
and the chance to just sit next to someone who's safe
some times that's more valuable than all of the therapeutic interventions in the world.